A Failed State

The cracks are quite obvious. Systems not built to last collapse. Lapses are visible. Cracks widen. A gradual crumble. The people hold on to one thing they think they’re in control of, music, arts, culture.

I hold on to my hair. Changing its texture and appearance at will. Loc’d today, dyed tomorrow, bald yesterday. Atleast you can run out of a failed state, I can-not run away from my body. I am me, stucked in this choking mortal self that smells of failure.

A failed state, one thing is common, sadness. The people are always sad. I’m always sad.

I do not know a me that is not sad. Sadness has enveloped my being and made it self part of my identity. I feel guilty when I’m happy and living, I should be wallowing in self pity. Life is not good enough to be happy.

Do I even like being happy? I doubt I even know what happiness means, I’m so used to this.

Chaotic. A failed state is full of chaos. I started the year with a nail piercing deeo through my foot. I should have seen the hint, the year was already set out to be chaotic.

Then you have the issue of a former partner posting videos of you (unconsented) on a twitter burner account, and finding out about it on your birthday of all days. It’s not even 3 months into the year.

Halfway through, you find out someone you shared your entire life with decided you were not worth it anymore. Betrayed in one of the worst ways possible.

Still recovering, you have to deal with unfavourable results and getting a job and finding out the said job was a scam.

You walk out on your faith, the one thing that has been your anchor all these years. You miss the comfort it offered. The hope for a better tomorrow.

On the side, there’s your biggest mental challenge so far. Dealing with the extra 2 years you have to spend in the university while your mates are making preparations to leave that behind by december 13.

But atleast, you cut your hair and dyed it, and looked really good. I guess that's what matters, the things you can control. But that's the problem, that being the only thing you can change at will is not favourable. Leaving the rest of your life to time and chance is just synonymous to a failed state.

Are you now a failed state? It feels like it.

Everyone is going to say it gets better. But it got better last year and by the time ‘25 came in, every single inkling of progress was erased.

Is this how life is going to continue? What's the point of all this?

When I think about suicide these days, I don't think about it in the way that I want all my pain gone. I think about it in the sense that what's my relevance in this world? just inconsequential.

I hope God genuinely realises that I am not one of his strongest soldiers. This? This is no fun.